Laughter Is A Good Prescription For A Long Life-Biz hundert un tsvantsik

Success the Israeli way

Lionel has become a successful British actor and he's now in Tel Aviv to sign up for the lead in a new Israeli blockbuster movie. Whilst there, he's invited to a cocktail party, with Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israeli Prime Minister, present. During the event, Netanyahu goes over to Lionel and says, "Mazeltov, Mr Gold. I wish you all the best on your forthcoming film. If it's successful, it will no doubt help Israel's economy."
"Thank you sir," says Lionel, "I hope I can be instrumental in making the film a success. But I must admit that I consider myself first a Brit, second an actor, and third a Jew."
"Well that should be OK then," says Netanyahu, "for here in Israel, we read from right to left."


Five ways to pray

A priest, a minister, a guru and a rabbi meet to discuss the best positions for praying.
"I find kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," says the priest.
"Well I get good results by standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven," says the minister.
"I firmly believe that the most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor," says the guru.
"I disagree," says the rabbi. "I get the best results by shokeling."
A telephone engineer who is working close by hears this conversation going on and can't help joining in the discussion. "You're all wrong," he says. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

Reason for a divorce

Hymie has asked for a divorce and is now appearing before a judge. The judge looks at Hymie and says, "So tell me in your own words, Mr Franks, why are you seeking a divorce?"
"I'm seeking a divorce, your Honour, because I feel I can no longer survive living in a 2-story house," replies Hymie.
The judge smiles and says, "I've never heard such a spiel before in a divorce court. What kind of reason is that to ask for a divorce and waste this Court's time? What's so special about a 2-story house?"
"Let me explain," replies Hymie. "In my house, one story I regularly hear is, 'No you can't! It's that time of month' and the other story I regularly hear is, 'No you can't! I have a headache'."

A change of prescription

70 year old Cyril makes an appointment to see his doctor.
"So how can I help you?" asks Dr Levy.
"I was speaking to my pharmacist yesterday and he suggested I should ask you to change my prescription," replies Cyril. "And he also suggests that you check the prescription you've given to Miss Jones."
"That's a bit of a chutzpah, don't you think, Cyril?" says Dr Levy. "Since when does a pharmacist query a qualified doctor's diagnosis?"
"Since he discovered that I've been on birth control pills for the last two months." replies Cyril.


Everybody's A Critic

Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"



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This post and the ones to follow like it are for Jackie Mason, one of the all time great American comedians,one who has brought laughter and good cheer to millions of hearts, and happens to be a personal hero of mine. Jackie is also a staunch anti-obamaist, another reason to love him.

Steve